OFFICE POOL, 2012

Will the KKK design new uniforms to complement their members’ girlish figures? (See question 20, below).

St. Augustine and St. Johns County, Florida Office Pool 2012

This Office Pool is written with tongue-in-cheek. It is also written with a tip-of-the-hat, admiration and my sincere appreciation to NY Times' late columnist William Safire (the English language expert and sesquipedalian former Vice President Spiro T. Agnew speechwriter, who coined such Nixonian bon mots as one of my favorites, "nattering nabobs of negativism").

The venerable William Safire wrote -- and I read -- his New Year's "Office Pools" for 34 years.

Safire last wrote an Office Pool just before New Year’s in 2009 – he died in September 2009.

So here's my 2012 Office Pool for St. Augustine and St. Johns County. As Mr. Safire said in a prior year, "You've got to play to win." Here goes:

1. City Commissioner Errol Jones will:
a. Be convicted of one or more crimes;
b. Run for office again;
c. Not run again;
d. Write his memoirs and name names;
e. Go to work for polluters or developers as a lobbyist;
e. Be asked to (and refuse to) take a Blood Alcohol Test during a City Commission meeting;
f. Write a silly song extolling the virtues of CHESTER STOKES, ROBERT MICHAEL GRAUBARD, clear-cutting and tree-killing;
g. None of the above;
h. All of the above.

2. Former St. Johns County Commissioner Jim Bryant will:
a. Be indicted;
b. Run for office again;
c. Write his memoirs and name names;
d. Go to work for clear-cutting developers, like other former Commissioners;
e. Fall asleep at County Commission meetings as a spectator rather than as a commissioner;
f. Write a haiku poem extolling the virtues of clear-cutting and tree-killing;
i. None of the above;
j. All of the above.

3. St. Augustine City Commissioners will find a new spirit of friendliness and openness as they:
a. Welcome Gay residents and tourists by banning anti-Gay discrimination in housing, public accommodations, employment and education;
b. Welcome artists and entertainers back to St. George Street and the Plaza;
c. Support legislation to create a new national park, the "St. Augustine National Historical Park and National Seashore."
d. All of the above;
e. None of the above.

4. Foreign-funded, tree-killing, clear-cutting developers will:
a. Be indicted;
b. Be shown to have corrupted County and City officials;
c. Still be hated by everyone in St. Augustine and St. Johns County;
d. Try to redeem themselves in public opinion by donating/selling their ill-gotten land for the St. Augustine National Park and National Seashore.
e. Elect another Florida State Legislature;
f. Elect a new President of the United States.

5. Federal and state law enforcement agents will conduct surprise raids on:
a. Present and former Town of Hastings officials and local developers responsible for 2005 annexations of pesticide-contaminated farmland that speculators planned to build housing;
b. Local officials responsible for zoning decisions;
c. Local developers;
d. Local hate groups;
e. Local restaurants and hotels employing workers at subminimum wages, some undocumented illegal immigrants;
f. Other organizational targets;
g. All of the above;
h. None of the above.

6. Florida Governor Richard Scott will:
a. Support a St. Augustine National Historical Park and National Seashore;
b. Renounce Islamophobic bigotry advanced by his 2010 TV commercials;
c. Wage war on government corruption.

7. The first belly-up local "development" to result in criminal charges will be:
a. CHESTER STOKES' evisceration of the arsenic-contaminated Ponce de Leon Golf Links;
b. ROBERT MICHAEL GRAUBARD's effort to turn a 3000-4000 year old indigenous American Indian village next to St. Augustine High School into condos and a stripmall;
c. ROBERT MICHAEL GRAUBARD's effort to turn Conch House Marina into condominiums (a project called "one sweet monkey" by the since-defrauded Ponce family, which sold the Conch House to GRAUBARD);
d. Sebastian Inner Harbor;
e. Nocatee (a knockoff of the DeSoto County town with an Indian name that already bears Florida zip code 34268), rubber-stamp approved by compliant St. Johns County Commissioners for the Davis family and the PARC group under the discredited days of the St. Johns County Commission's ancien regime under Jim Bryant (a puppet among puppets, not unlike the late Louisiana Governor O.K. Allen, Huey Long's puppet, of whom it was said that a leaf once blew in Allen's window and he signed it);
f. None of the above.

8. St. Augustine City Commissioners will admit publicly that prior City Commissioners erred when they:
a. Banned all but government flags from the Bridge of Lions;
b. Voted 3-2 (Commissioners Burk and Gardner dissenting) for "brownfield" tax credit subsidies for CHESTER STOKES' Ponce de Leon Golf Course;
c. Banned artists and entertainers from St. George Street and the Plaza;
d. Thought they made a mistake once but found out they were wrong.

9. The St. Augustine and St. Johns County Airport Authority will:
a. Take federal funds for something useful;
b. Hire a new manager based on a national search;
c. Charge rich guys to land their airplanes;
d. Condemn (steal) more homeowners' land for rich guys' airplanes;
e. Make Northrop Grumman pay more for its use of the airport;
f. Insist on using a new name not approved by the legislature – Northeast Florida Airport – showing (once again) its inane approach to branding and marketing;
g. Issue self-serving press statements and insult anyone who questions its “authority.”

10. Developer lawyer George McClure will:
a. Legally change his name to "Snidely Whiplash," inspired by his uncanny resemblance to the character in "Dudley Do-right";
b. Legally change his name to the "Prince of Darkness," inspired by his secret admiration of the James Mason character in Paul Newman's movie, "The Verdict";
c. Represent environmentalist-citizens fighting tree-cutting developers (albeit in a county far, far away, with a paper bag over his head);
d. Appear before local governmental bodies without wearing a silk tie, in recognition of the fact that his law firm now bears his own name (instead of Rogers Towers);
e. Take less than 15 minutes to make his case for done-deal zoning favors (saying he now believes it's only fair that his clients should have no more than 3 minutes to which development opponents are limited);
f. Sue government officials for civil rights violations for disapproving a developer's project.

11. Flagler College will:
a. Announce its plans to annex the entire City of St. Augustine and take it off the tax rolls;
b. Hire faculty members without respect to their political views;
c. Recognize faculty rights to academic freedom;
d. Ban the use of the "N" word in all Flagler College classes, including those that are attended by St. Augustine and County police officers, instituting a diversity policy and sensitivity training;
e. Raise faculty salaries to levels competitive with UF and FSU;
f. Grant eligibility for tenure to Flagler College faculty members (something that professors at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York have but which Dr. William L. Proctor disdains for “his” faculty members, who typically get only one-year or two-year teaching contracts, contributing to a spirit of fear and reprisal on the Flagler College campus;
g. Announce plans to seek American Bar Association (ABA) accreditation for a new law school;
h. All of the above.

12. The first civil rights lawsuit brought against a local government agency or corporation in St. Johns County during 2012 will be:
a. By EEOC, an employment discrimination lawsuit against St. Johns County School Board;
b. By the Department of Health and Human Services Office of Civil Rights, against racially segregated nursing homes receiving government funds;
c. By HUD Office of Civil Rights for blatantly racially-segregated real estate offices and advertisements showing only white homeowners;
d. By persons with disabilities, filing a civil rights lawsuit against City of St. Augustine and the State of Florida, for failing to implement the Americans with Disabilities Act with proper disability access (city streets and parking);
e. By civil rights groups, filing a civil rights lawsuit against State of Florida, University of Florida and the City of St. Augustine, for leasing St. George Street properties to businesses that include discriminatory employers that refuse to employ African-Americans, see Burton v. Wilmington Parking Authority, 365 U.S. 715 (1961);
f. Other.

13. The first successful environmental crime prosecution (or guilty pleas) in 2012 will be:
a. BP, Transocean and Halliburton for the Deepwater Horizon explosion, eleven worker deaths and resulting, Gulf of Mexico oil spill disaster;
b. ROBERT MICHAEL GRAUBARD for wetland-filling;
c. For covering up developers' willful destruction of wetlands, officials of the St. Johns River Water Management District (SJRWMD) and Florida Department of Environmental Protection (FDEP, a/k/a “Don’t Expect Protection” in the words of the late Native American environmental activist David Thundershield Queen)

d. A nonagenarian peace activist for allegedly spitting on the sidewalk;
e. An insouciant, inconsiderate tourist for dumping an ashtray full of cigarette butts from his gas-guzzling SUV onto the floor of the City's White Elephant Parking Garage;
f. An overweight, sweaty, tourist for taking his shirt off in front of the Castillo and causing visual and air pollution.

14. Worst local government scandal:
a. Developer influence from the Courthouse to Tallahassee to the White House;
b. School Board for its since-rescinded vote to dilute minority voting strength in District 2;
c. Low voter turnout and apathy;
d. Lack of adequate local daily newspaper space given to serious investigative coverage of government/politics;
e. Lackadaisical television news coverage of local St. Johns County news;
f. "Just us folks" for empowering all of the above and letting ourselves be taken advantage of decade after decade, deal after deal, election after election;
g. All of the above.

15. Best new invention:
a. iPhone app to help us to follow government actions;
b. Better ways to get young people to register and vote in large numbers;
c. Creative ways to make BP and other one-percenters pay for their crimes;
d. Ways to persuade polluters stop dead in their tracks before they do it again;
e. All of the above.

16. Controversial Flagler College Chancellor and soon-to-be-ex State Representative William L. Proctor (R-20^th) will:
a. Wear a Speedo^® bathing suit in the William L. Proctor Library, violating the rules;
b. Fail to persuade his Florida Legislature colleagues to enact legislation giving his “special” friend’s educational institution eminent domain and exemptions from City of St. Augustine zoning (Florida School for the Deaf and Blind)(Are some things are just too stinky, even for Florida legislators?);
c. Retire as Flagler College Chancellor, resulting in a spontaneous three-day celebration;
d. Publish his long-anticipated memoirs;
e. Endorse Michelle Bachman or Rick Santorum for President in the Florida Republican Primary;
f. All of the above.

17. Buskers (street artists and musicians) will be respected and no longer arrested for painting and playing music by our City of St. Augustine, effective:
a. January 30, 2012
b. March 30, 2012
c. June 30, 2012
d. October 30, 2012
e. Never.

18. The St. Johns River Water Management District will:
a. Fire more ethical environmental scientists for doing their jobs too well;
b. Fail to inform laid-off SJRWMD employees of their right to file environmental whistleblower cases;
c. Be merged into a large organization;
d. Cause another environmental disaster (its Lake Apopka Bird Kill Scandal, which resulted in a federal environmental crimes investigation and Grand Jury investigation over SJRWMD’s inundating thousands of acres of pesticide-contaminated land, killing more than 1000 endangered birds who died horrible painful deaths);
e. Show arrogance on Open Records and Sunshine laws, emboldened by the Fifth District Court of Appeals’ recent finding of no Sunshine violation (refusing to let Stetson Kennedy speak in opposition to plans to export our St. Johns River water to Orlando);
f. All of the above.

19. The Whetstone-Maguire family will:

a. Continue to look down their distended nostrils at the rest of the world, acting like the very self-righteous Republican lords of all they survey, regarding the government of our City of St. Augustine as a mere “adjunct to its affairs,” in FDR’s words about “malefactors of great wealth” during the 1930s;
b. Lose its overbearing demand to build an enormous dock across city-owned bayfront and bottomlands (on which it has reportedly never paid taxes);
c. Run at least one of its family members (Bruce Maguire or spouse Virginia Whetstone) for public office, losing yet again;
d. Wake up on New Year’s Day with a new attitude, treating their fellow citizens with warmth and respect, like Ebeneezer Scrooge in Dickens’ A Christmas Carol;
e. Sell its real estate interests to foreign investors, moving to Tibet or the Grand Caymans;
f. None of the above.

20. The Ku Klux Klan will:
a. Continue to support Republican and Tea Party candidates;
b. Design new uniforms to complement their members’ girlish figures (see photo illustration, below);
c. Denounce political corruption in Florida and call for indictments;
d. Reveal the long-suspected truth about President Warren Gamaliel Harding’s KKK membership and ethnic heritage;
e. None of the above.

21. The Ku Klux Klan, local hate websites, the Republican Party, and the two warring St. Augustine Tea Party factions will:
a. Merge and hold a hate-in;
b. Peculate;
c. Ululate;
d. Publicly announce a slate of candidates for County Commissioners;
e. Never elect another St. Augustine City Commissioner;
f. Embrace non-violence and Christian charity.
g. None of the above.

22. The Florida National Guard will:
a. Not have a single service member die in Iraq this year;
b. Find ways of saving money in its budget;
c. Comply with EEO laws;
d. Hold a bake sale to raise money;
e. Never seek Pentagon approval for a wasteful “flyover” by Stealth aircraft for a General’s retirement ceremony, ever again.
f. None of the above.

23. Two feuding St. Augustine Beach City Commissioners will:
a. Reconcile and figure a way to work for the betterment of their beach community;
b. Sue each other;
c. Spread Lashon hora about each other;
d. Mud wrestle after a Commission meeting;
e. Continue to feud for personal reasons;
f. None of the above.

24. The St. Augustine Record will:
a. Be purchased by the New York Times;
b. Be sold by Morris Communications to a non-profit group for a song;
c. Be merged with the Florida Times-Union;
d. Not endorse Barack Obama’s re-election;
e. Continue to muddle along, with indifferent funding and lax leadership by the Morris family, as it continues to lose readers and lose respect in our community, failing to cover the real news, with declining budgets and staffing;
f. None of the above.

25. The St. Johns River will:
a. Be privatized on orders of the Koch Brothers (owners of dioxin-emitting Georgia-Pacific plant in Palatka), implementing St. Augustine Tea Party’s ukase that our river is “private property”;
b. Continue to suffer from algal blooms and water pollution, without prosecution by EPA or DEP (“Don’t expect protection”);
c. Overflow its banks in a torrential storm, inundating the residences of people who built homes too close to its edge;
d. Be the subject of public outrage, as the Koch Brothers’ pollution pipeline scheme for Georgia-Pacific’s Palatka toilet paper plant becomes notorious from the courthouse to the White House, and fodder for late night TV comics;
e. None of the above.

My predictions (for whatever they're worth): 1(a,c); 2(a); 3 (d); 4(a,b,c,d); 5(c,d); 6(a,b,c); 7(f); 8 (c); 9(f,g); 10(c,f); 11(g); 12(d); 13(a); 14(g); 15(b,c,d); 16(b); 17(c); 18(a,b,d,e); 19(a,b); 20(a); 21(c,e); 22(a,e); 23(a); 24(d,e); 25(b,d). What do you reckon?

Happy New Year!

Will the KKK design new uniforms to complement their members’ girlish figures? (See question 20, above).