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Attention Miami, Tampa, Orlando, Jacksonville and all you gun-clinging Viagra-poppers down there in The Villages — if you or a loved one has ever been persecuted for your conservative values, then Pensacola is here to help.
Dum-da-dum! Never fear, Frank White is here! And he’s on a statewide mission to protect you from “liberal attacks.”
What kind of “liberal attacks?” Communists? Hippies? Transgender vegan atheists with psychic mind control powers to induce political correctness?
Yep. You can count on Frank to protect you from all that and more — if you elect him as Florida’s next attorney general.
Pensacola’s first-term state representative and Sandy Sansing’s son-in-law made it official on Friday, with a campaign announcement basically promising to be the biggest conservative and fiercest fighter of those aforementioned “liberal attacks.” But the Tampa Bay Times’ all-knowing, all-seeing Steve Bousquet called it a day before, noting that “White would enter a race that includes Rep. Jay Fant of Jacksonville and Ashley Moody, a former circuit judge in Tampa who has raised a total of more than $1 million through her campaign and a political committee.”\
It ain’t cheap to compete in a high-powered statewide race to replace Florida’s most Trump-trusted bombshell, Pam Bondi. News Journal reporter Jim Little pointed out that White has almost $76,000 sitting in his District 2 campaign account. But still, the Sansing family may need to sell a few extra Chevrolets this year if they want to help Frank get the cash to compete with those big-city Republicans from more populous parts of the state.
Besides, no price is too high to pay for protection from “liberal attacks.” Illegals? Reefer? Solar energy?
All of those! But don’t worry, Florida, Frank promises to be the man to save the Sunshine State. We shall see.
What’s not clear is who might swoop in to protect his vacated House district when he’s off fighting “liberal attacks” in subtropical dens of iniquity like Winter Park, Delray Beach and Islamorada.
Could it be the long-awaited opportunity for Pensacola Mayor Ashton Hayward to fulfill his golden political destiny in Tallahassee? The Sunshine State’s best looking municipal executive probably knows half the lobbyists in Tally from his tomahawk-chopping days back at FSU. And Gov. Rick Scott would be maniacally thrilled to have a loyal new House member who sides with him rather than the ever-growing cult of Corcoran.
And it would give Hayward a timely escape from the looney local politics that he simply seems to have grown sick of. A city council he loathes. Rabble-rousing North Hillers who annoy him at every turn. An idiot cartoonist who draws him with legs that are too skinny.
Plus, the job may be more suited to Hayward’s desired level of engagement. Less detail-oriented chief executive; more salesman, hype-master and cheerleader. If nothing else, he’d enhance our appearance around the Capitol. “Pensacola: They ain’t got clout, but they sure look good doing it!”
Who knows if the mayor would actually want to run, but there are always a few folks around here with perpetually feverish dreams of returning to Tallahassee, amassing obscene amounts of political power, and arguing for more guns on Fox News the next time there’s a mass shooting. And speaking of former state Rep. Mike Hill…
Hill is currently filed to run against former Cantonment resident Rebekah Bydlak for Clay Ingram’s House seat next year. Bydlak made a name for herself competing against U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz last year and she has raised more than $60,000 from many of the same Pensacola power-brokers who backed Gaetz for Congress, giving her a huge financial advantage over Hill.
But unlike other candidates and most citizens, Mike Hill has homes in multiple districts. So it’s totally possible that he could just move on down to run in District 2 and avoid getting trounced by Bydlak up in Clay Ingram country.
Hill’s political stylings have transitioned from Tea Party to televangelist in recent years, most recently emerging to tag-along with the late, great Sen. Greg Evers in Holy-rolling, media-seeking defense of East Hill’s Bayview Cross. Hill is pro-cross, of course, and presumably eager to defend against “liberal attacks” as much as Frank White is. Which is why Hill also spoke up for a pagan obelisk adorned with a frail, effeminate boy holding his hat in hand — also known as Pensacola’s Confederate monument.
Protested pagan obelisks. Embattled ancient Roman torture devices. We’ve got ‘em all here in District 2, which could mean a state House campaign built on fighting for symbols — as opposed to reason, policies, economic ideas or community needs. Lord, help us.
If that becomes the case, we’re going to need a whole lot more than protection from “liberal attacks” to cope with it. Maybe Frank can ask Sandy to ship over a couple Chevy Silverados filled with Early Times whiskey. We’ll just mark it up as a campaign contribution.