It’s time to respond to comments and questions from readers.
Notes from hell , Volume No. 108:
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“I think you should move to Canada so you can swim with your own “kind.” Adios amigo!
— Kevin Carlisle
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Dear Kevin:
I didn’t know my own kind were swimming in Canada, and not only that, but the part of Canada that speaks Spanish.
Also, not to be a nitpicker, but the water’s really cold in Canada. Why would I go swimming there when there’s lots of warm water here, and plenty of my kind — if you define my kind as people who grew up in New York on Long Island?
I mean, there’s almost too much of my kind here in South Florida.
Please advise. In the meantime, I will be standing by with a travel pack of maple syrup and guacamole.
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Don't you have any conscience? You're not getting any younger, Frank. Before you know it, you will be meeting your Maker.
It's time to start making up for your transgressions. I don't care what Soros's subordinates are paying you.
Jesus said, "What does it profit a man who gains the whole world but loses his immortal soul?"
Time to straighten up and fly right, Frank. I'll be praying for you.
—– Dr. Anthony Orrico
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Dear Doctor Tony:
I just heard back from my puppet master, George Soros.
He told me not to engage with Trumpsters quoting Bible verses. Sorry.
I don’t remember Soros’ exact his words, but it was something about “massive cognitive dissonance” — Whatever that means? — and those who go blind by worshipping false idols.
Whatever. You seemed like a fun guy. But I’m going to have to trust my master, George, on this one.
Anyway, I appreciate your prayers for me, although instead of focusing on my “immortal soul”, please make them about my shrinking 401(k).
Best wishes in the coming recession.
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“I feel like I'm having a stroke when I read your column, which is about once a year. What a (expletive deleted) moron you are.”
— Tony Napolitano
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Dear Tony No. 2:
Look on the bright side. You’ve got a solid 11-plus months before you’ll feel like you’re having a stroke again.
But I’m going to suggest something else might be at play here. Although I’m not a doctor (like the previous Tony), I think what you are confusing as the arrival of a stroke may be something else.
It could just be that as you read my column, a part of your brain that has been largely dormant for years is being activated in ways that alarm you.
It’s not a stroke. You just have Fox Brain. It reacts poorly to stimulation.
I’m going to ask Tony No. 1 to pray for you.
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“You know something, Frank, you're an effing idiot .
“I've been watching your writing for years and you really are one stupid individual working for a half-ass rag.
“I need to get a big sign and put it on Dixie Highway that says ‘Frank's a douchebag.’”
— Jim D.
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Dear Jim:
Love the sign idea. Clearly you’ve workshopped the messaging.
If you need to do it, please do.
Here’s a suggestion: You might want to enlist Dr. Tony and Tony No. 2 to go out there with you and turn it into a sidewalk prayer vigil.
I will say, though, I’m a little uneasy about you “watching my writing for years.”
Have you been crouching in a corner of the newsroom, hiding perhaps behind a desk while experiencing a wardrobe malfunction as you watch?
I hope not. So, yes, please keep it outside on the sidewalk in full public view.
I suggest a shady spot out of the sun so Tony No. 2 doesn’t feel like he’s having a stroke.
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“I thought we had been spared from your attempt at journalism today, but no such good fortune.
“I’d suggest a one-way flight ticket out of Florida forever for you.
— TQ Lewis
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Dear Dairy Queen:
You bring up a complaint I’ve heard over the past 30-plus years of writing this column. That is: the surprise and disappointment some readers have in finding my column in the newspaper.
You, for example, write about not being spared from my column that day, as if seeing my column meant you were required to read it.
You’re not. Liberate yourself.
But if you know you’re not going to like my column and then read it anyway, don’t act surprised or disappointed that you didn’t like it.
You’re like somebody who goes to a strip club and then complains about the nudity there.
(I realize I just compared my column to a strip club. So let me just say from the start: No lap dances.)
On the other hand, if you force yourself to read my columns, you might be surprised to learn that it may alleviate the total numbness of Fox Brain.
Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, which is part of the USA Network-Florida.
Frank Cerabino
1 comment:
There are plenty of Republicans who don't like Trump but you'll not hear many of them say so publicly. At any rate, he's head of a federal government that they're supposed to be wary of. Gotta keep that in mind too
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