Satire from The Borowitz Report: Trump Orders Pence to Find Passage in Bible Where Jesus Tells People to Get the Hell Out
By Andy Borowitz
July 22, 2019
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to bolster the core message of his 2020 campaign, Donald J. Trump ordered Mike Pence to locate a passage in the Bible where Jesus tells people “to get the hell out of here,” White House sources confirmed on Monday.
According to the sources, Trump summoned Pence to the Oval Office and commanded him to find “somewhere in the Bible” where Jesus “tells people that they don’t belong here and they should beat it.”
Pence, who seemed startled by the request, asked Trump if he meant the time when Jesus expelled money changers from the Temple, but Trump shook his head angrily. “No, not that. I don’t want to piss off Deutsche Bank,” he said. “I want something where Jesus tells the poor and the meek or whatever to go back to the shithole places they came from.”
After a shaken Pence said that he would “see what I can find,” Trump reportedly demanded that the Vice-President also locate a passage where Jesus calls journalists “the lowest form of life.”
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Andy Borowitz
@BorowitzReport
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. In 2001, he created The Borowitz Report, a satirical news column that has millions of readers around the world, for which he won the first-ever National Press Club award for humor. The Borowitz Report was acquired by The New Yorker in 2012. His two most recent books were both best-sellers: “The 50 Funniest American Writers,” which became the first title in the history of the Library of America to make the Times best-seller list; and a memoir, “An Unexpected Twist,” a No. 1 best-seller, which Amazon named the Best Kindle Single of 2012. As a comedian, he has performed sold-out shows around the world and has made numerous television and radio appearances, including on National Public Radio, VH1, and Comedy Central. His solo comedy show, “Make America Not Embarrassing Again,” began touring the U.S. in 2018, and he is featured in the new PBS prime-time series “Retro Report,” which débuts in 2019. He has been called a “Swiftian satirist” (the Wall Street Journal), “America’s satire king” (the Daily Beast), “one of the country’s finest satirists” (the Times), and “one of the funniest people in America” (CBS News’ “Sunday Morning”).
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