ANNALS OF DeSANTISTAN: A Moms for Liberty pep talk after big election losses to 'filthy liberal book huggers' (Rex Hubbke, USA Today)

Satire alert: Attention: fans of Commissioner Krista Keating-Joseph and Nicole Crosby and their three candidates for County Commission. Enough already:

A Moms for Liberty pep talk after big election losses to 'filthy liberal book huggers'

We blame the election losses largely on elections, which we stand against, believing instead that school board members should be chosen by us, as we are the morally righteous chosen ones.

Rex Huppke

USA TODAY

Elections last week showed voters are rejecting the broader right-wing “parental rights” movement and, in particular, the national group Moms for Liberty, which has protested everything from critical race theory – which proponents see as a framework to examine how the taint of racism still affects Black Americans and other people of color – to books that give even vague mention to sexuality or gender identity.

How rude! Just because the Southern Poverty Law Center, a hate-group watchdog, identifies Moms for Liberty as an anti-government extremist group doesn’t mean voters should repudiate the organization for disrupting school board meetings and making vulnerable children feel unsafe.

Fortunately, Moms for Liberty is taking things in stride, as evidenced by this EXCLUSIVE and totally not-made-up internal memo I received:

Hey, fellow moms who hate books! I know some of you are feeling a little pink (we don’t say “blue” – that’s a boy color!) because things didn’t EXACTLY go our way on election night. But we here on the executive board want to calm everyone’s nerves and let you know Moms for Liberty remains more committed than ever to making sure the voices of moms who want everyone to live by their rules and their rules alone are heard!

Thanks to filthy liberal book huggers and people brainwashed into believing that “diversity” is a good thing – YUCK! – we suffered some losses in school board elections across the country. We blame those losses largely on elections, which we stand against, believing instead that school board members should be chosen by us, as we are the morally righteous chosen ones.

(What’s “democracy”? That sounds like a book word!)

It’s true that in Iowa, where we endorsed 13 school board candidates, 12 of them lost, but we attribute that entirely to Marxism juice that left-wing elites injected into this year’s Iowa corn crops.

In central Ohio, two of the 10 candidates whom we either supported or who signed pledges supporting us won! That’s a very high percentage rate of victory as long as you believe math is a far-left construct that should be outlawed, which we do. Go moms!

Election recap:Ohio, Kentucky show abortion rights matter – and Biden might not be such a drag for Dems

Yes, DEMONrats took control of the Central Bucks School District in Pennsylvaniavia the decidedly satanic tactic of “getting more votes” than the candidates we recommended. And in Virginia’s Loudoun County, three of our four candidates lost, or as we like to call it, “prevailed in reverse.”

These results prompted people like Democratic consultant Jared Leopold to tell The Washington Post, a publication we do not read because it contains facts: “It turns out that talking endlessly about critical race theory is not a successful way to win critical races.”

Hah, hah, hah. Isn’t that just hilarious.

Listen up, fellow joyful warriors: Are we going to let a sweeping electoral rejectionof our passionate desire to protect children from history, reality and their own identities force us to stop doing things like calling for book bans, dehumanizing LGBTQ+ children and quoting Adolf Hitler to make a point?

Heck no! (Pardon the salty language.)

Maybe quoting Hitler was a bad idea?Moms for Liberty newsletter quotes Adolf Hitler, complains about being labeled 'extremist'

Besides, it wasn’t all bad news this week. Read this from an Associated Press report: “A Republican candidate who refused to denounce a local chapter of Moms for Liberty that used a quote by Adolf Hitler in a newsletter has won her election as mayor of Carmel, Indiana, a wealthy suburb of Indianapolis.”

That’s what we here at Moms for Liberty call progress!

Moving forward, we encourage all members to take the following steps and help grow our important parental-rights organization that definitely doesn’t exist just to foment outrage and raise money:

1. Continue using your apparently boundless free time to read every book in your local school library, keeping a watchful eye for our key red flags – scenes involving any form of sex, sexuality, shirtless-ness, kindness or basic human connection; anything that suggests white people have ever done anything wrong, at any point in history, ever; and anthropomorphized animals showing even the slightest level of same-sex attraction, particularly penguins.
2. Remember our new “DNA” policy when it comes to using quotes from well-known fascists and mass murderers: Do Not Attribute. That’s what got us in trouble the last time!
3. Once a week, try to deny at least one LGTBQ+ child’s right to exist while simultaneously touting your deeply held moral beliefs and training your brain to reject the communist concept of hypocrisy.
4. Send us as much money as you can so we can continue to protect all children from facts – “the devil’s evidence” – and the ills of learning to be equitable and inclusive, two dark gateways to the soulless liberal practice of compassion.
5. 
   
6. Onward, Moms for Liberty! Let’s get out there and keep sharing our welcoming message that anyone who doesn’t agree to live by our moral code is either demonic or an un-American lout.

Everything’s going great!

Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppkeand Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk