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Thursday, December 01, 2022
COMMENTARY: Your new Congress: Owning the libs, no matter the cost (Diane Roberts, Florida Phoenix)
Another gnarly satirical column by the incomparable FSU English professor Diane Roberts from Florida Phoenix:
Your new Congress: Owning the libs, no matter the cost
NOVEMBER 28, 2022 7:00 AM
Kevin McCarthy, possibly the next U.S. House Speaker, is shown during a 2019 news conference. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)
Are you excited about the 118th Congress? If not, you’re a communist.
True, the U.S. Senate is still in the hands of the godless Democrats who want to destroy America, but the House of Representatives now belongs to Republicans, the party of God, AK-47s, F-150s (and not the electric kind, either), manliness, Merry Christmas, and our lord and savior Donald Trump.
(Unless Ron DeSantis looks more electable, of course).
Kevin McCarthy will probably be House Speaker, taking over from the She-Devil of San Francisco. It’s not a guaran-damn-tee, mind. The man messed up when he said President Trump should “accept his share of responsibility” for that normal tourist visit to the Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, and some of us in MAGA-world were not real happy.
Come on, what responsibility? Everyone knows that mixed in with normal tourists carrying Confederate battle flags and accidentally beating police officers were a bunch of Black Lives Matter radicals wearing whiteface.
However, Mr. McCarthy has since mended his ways, going down to Mar-a-Lago and prostrating himself before our Real President on one of those priceless all-acrylic carpets festooned with classified documents.
Come January, he’s going to do the right things, the very, very right things, including investigate “Dr.” Anthony Fauci. Even though Fauci will be 82 and retired by then, the man needs to be held accountable for secretly creating the COVID virus with the Red Chinese, Bill Gates, George Soros, and the makers of “Game of Thrones” to control us via our precious bodily fluids.
While they’re at it, the House will also investigate the FBI for not liking Donald Trump, though they haven’t quite figured out who will investigate people who usually do the investigating. Doesn’t matter: Rep. Wrasslin’ Jim “Take it like a Man” Jordan, soon to be chair of the House Judiciary Committee, will figure something out. Maybe Ron DeSantis’ Election Kriminalpolizei can help.
They’ll investigate Ukraine and that weirdo president of theirs who disrespected the United States by not wearing a suit in his Kyiv bunker to address Congress.
Anyway, why doesn’t Zelensky like that nice Mr. Putin? Doesn’t he support Christian nationalism?
They’ll investigate Hunter Biden, and by the time they get through, he’ll be marched through the streets of D.C. with that laptop hanging around his neck.
They’ll investigate Joe Biden, maybe even impeach the guy. He stole the election. He’s in cahoots with Hillary Clinton. He’s making gas super-expensive. He’s old. His suits fit too well.
They’ll also investigate Jill Biden, Naomi Biden, Ashley Biden, Commander Biden, Major Biden, and Willow Biden.
Who’s paying for all that kitty litter, huh?
McCarthy has also promised some nice long and detailed hearings on how those brown people keep getting across the border and maybe, just for fun, impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, who doesn’t even sound like a real American.
Then they’ll investigate the cruel and vicious treatment of the Jan. 6 patriots. Kevin McCarthy promised Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of the great state of Jewish Space Lasers to get to the bottom of how the Justice Department colluded with Nancy Pelosi, hellcat of the Left Coast, to lock up and prosecute the decent white Christians who merely strolled into a public building and maybe broke a couple of things.
Antisemitism isn’t MTG’s only talent, oh golly no! She’s a fine little racist, too, equating Black folks with crime and crime with the Democratic Party, which is coincidentally full of Black folks who take white people’s stuff and refuse to acknowledge that this is a white country and anybody who doesn’t like it can leave, especially if they’re not white.
Speaker McCarthy will give MTG a leadership position. If he knows what’s good for him, that is.
You know who else will be a big deal in the 118th? Two veterans of the Second American Revolution of Jan. 6, George Santos, R-Omsk, and Derrick Van Orden, R-Novisibirsk, author of an entire book on the “lost art of manhood,” won their elections and are going to Washington, metal detector or no metal detector.
Democrats are calling this “horrifying and bone-chilling.”
Calm down, ladies: They probably won’t break windows and poop in the corridors, but even if they do, you know perfectly well a little insurrection is good for you.
And while we’re basking in the awesomeness of Republicans’ single-digit majority in the House, let’s celebrate the reelection of Florida’s finest, Rep. Matt “let daddy buy you a teddy bear, darlin” Gaetz.
He’s bucking his own governor, Ron DeSanctimonious, to support Donald Trump in 2024, declaring we shouldn’t “bench our star quarterback at half-time.”
In one of those acts of extreme graciousness for which he is famous, President Trump apologized to Matt Gaetz on behalf of the nation for that unfair and unkind investigation into his propensity for under-age sex and alleged trafficking of a 17 year-old girl.
As for the Senate, well, the Dems probably cheated. Great that J.D. Vance, who went undercover at Yale to uncover how the elites get into venture capital then made a lot of money in venture capital, beat a socialist Democrat, but what the hell happened in Pennsylvania?
How does some tattooed stroke patient loser in a hoodie beat the famous Dr. Oz (an actual M.D. in New Jersey or Florida or maybe Turkey) who has helped thousands with his famous pregnancy hormone and 500-calorie a day diet and his faith in hydroxychloroquine for COVID-19.
Meanwhile in Arizona, Blake Masters, handsome and heavily armed, came in second to some astronaut guy.
Something is surely wrong here. Masters hit all the white people high notes, suggesting Kamala Harris is an affirmative action baby, blaming higher interest rates on diversity at the fed, ridiculing Native Americans, giving a shout-out to an ultra-right Russian influencer, and dissing Barack Obama.
Yet he lost by more than 100,000 votes. That had to be rigged.
Sen. Rick Scott, head of the Republican Senatorial Committee, was supposed to help the party take back the Senate. But because Republicans failed to get as many votes as Democrats (a totally unfair system), it didn’t work.
He got picked on for saying it’s “unfair” that the poor don’t pay tax and people on welfare do more drugs than anyone else, and also because he squandered a lot of campaign money and failed miserably in 2022.
Still, he scared McConnell but good, getting 10 votes. Ted Cruz voted for him, which if the Deep State weren’t in charge of everything, should count triple. Texas should get more votes than dumbass places like Kentucky.
In any case, things are looking good. With all the hearings and accusations and innuendo, the House won’t get any bills to the Senate, which means government will do nothing, and isn’t that best for all of us?
And if Kevin McCarthy makes good on his promise to use defaulting on the national debt and crashing America’s credit to force cuts in Medicare, Social Security, and infrastructure spending, the fun just won’t quit.
America! We may blow up the world economy and democracy with it, but hell, we’ll sure own the libs.
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Diane Roberts is an 8th-generation Floridian, born and bred in Tallahassee, which probably explains her unhealthy fascination with Florida politics. Educated at Florida State University and Oxford University in England, she has been writing for newspapers since 1983, when she began producing columns on the legislature for the Florida Flambeau. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Times of London, the Guardian, the Washington Post, the Oxford American, and Flamingo. She has been a member of the Editorial Board of the St. Petersburg Times–back when that was the Tampa Bay Times’s name–and a long-time columnist for the paper in both its iterations. She was a commentator on NPR for 22 years and continues to contribute radio essays and opinion pieces to the BBC. Roberts is also the author of four books, most recently Dream State, an historical memoir of her Florida family, and Tribal: College Football and the Secret Heart of America. She lives in Tallahassee, except for the times she runs off to Great Britain, desperate for a different government to satirize.